I think im going to throw up on grandma
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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