I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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