Plan B is the new Plan A
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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