i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
