I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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