i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize