Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
