if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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