Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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