I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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