who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize