SEEEEXXX PLEASE
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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