tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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