Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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