I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
