if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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