Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
