That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
