I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
