Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize