It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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