she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
