i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
