No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
