my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It's never too late to be topless.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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