I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
