Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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