I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
