im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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