you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am available for nakedness
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize