Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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