On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
