you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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