Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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