seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
