Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
