New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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