I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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