so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
