I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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