If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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