someone threw a dead crab at me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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