Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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