I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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