Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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