I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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