You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Come see our sink grown plant.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
