I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
