I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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