Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
