Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I currently don't understand fingers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
