on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
