4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
