Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
