bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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