I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
