allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
