I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
