I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
