Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
