I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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