That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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