Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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